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101 Reasons to Masturbate

You’ve been told all of your life that touching yourself is a weakness, it’s sinful, it’s shameful. Seriously, all of your life, there was probably a nurse in the hospital who tugged your widdle hand away from your fiddly bits and said “Now, now, mustn’t do that or you’ll burn in righteous and loving flames, dearie.” People will tell you that it simply isn’t done, and if it is done it isn’t spoken of, not by respectable people. Fortunately there’s never been any danger of me turning into one of them.

I like masturbation. I’m a big fan, and I like to think a talented amateur. There are many excellent reasons to grasp your nettle. Here’s some of them.

It feels good.

Everybody else is doing it.

You will become more comfortable with your body.

You will get a better idea of what pleases you, something you can share with a lover.

You won’t be as irritable at work.

Morticia Addams. Rawr!

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You can develop control and staying power in a low-stress situation.

You can discover the many parts of you that are sensitive and excitable without actually being genitals.

You’re trying to quit smoking and you gotta do something with your hands.

Congressional filibusters are so damn boring.

You feel the need to tap off excess fluid on occasion to keep your body running at optimal efficiency.

You’re going for the world land-speed masturbation record and the cameras are waiting.

You want to have sex with a relative but you fear social ostracism and genetic horrors.

Look at this body! Who wouldn’t want to touch it?

It’s safe sex, as long as you watch your aim.

Just downloaded Christina Ricci’s nude scene from “Prozac Nation.”

Can’t sleep.

Nothing good on tv.

Kill Bill 2 was sold out.

Just wanted to make sure everything still worked, you know?

Next conjugal visit still a week away.

Because every time I do, an angel spasms.

Exercises the wrist and reduces the chance for carpal tunnel syndrome. It must, because I type a lot and I’ve never gotten it.

Long wait at the doctor’s office, and all the magazines are out of date.

Would you ask Pavarotti not to sing? Baryshnikov not to dance?

Really, really difficult to get pregnant when you’re the only one there.

Not too easy to get pregnant even if you’re in company, if you’re careful.

You can stay a virgin for years without getting twitchy.

It helps to maintain good pelvic blood flow and strong PC muscles.

Big money-saver on dinner and alcohol.

It reduces menstrual cramps.

Men who stimulate their prostate glands during masturbation reduce their incidence of prostate infections.

It stimulates your creativity and enriches your fantasy life.

You’re asserting your independence!

You don’t have to depend on a man for your orgasms (unless you’re a guy, of course).

You can get it anytime you want, man.

You can do anything you want without having to explain it to a bewildered partner.

You’re helping to establish the philosophy that sex is good in, by, and for itself; and that there is nothing whatever wrong about experiencing it as a fine thing in its own right.

Show me a guy with three speeds that knows exactly where and when to go.

You rarely have to use roofies to get sex.

It’s cheaper than Zoloft.

Masturbation results in remarkably few abortions.

The love of your life is currently unavailable

The love of your life is currently available, but isn’t interested right now.

The love of your life is currently available, but likes watching me.

It releases endorphins into the bloodstreams, and that’s good, I think.

Eases the strain and anxiety of long traffic jams.

Reduces the need to ask for sex during times when it might be inconvenient or unwanted, like when she’s in labor.

It keeps you from hitting all the people who really need hitting.

Because you always call the next day.

No scrambling for birth control.

Better than nagging her for sex, and she might join in.

Easier to get into a meditative state than chanting, I’ll tell you that.

You’ll be able to grip your golf club with more confidence.

You can join the Mile High Club without trying to cram two people in that little bathroom.

My parents encouraged it to ensure that I grew up with a healthy perspective towards my own sexuality, even to the point of charting my progress and having me do it in front of family gatherings.

In 1972 the American Medical Association declared masturbation a normal sexual activity, and I’m celebrating.

It really bugs a lot of the Religious Right, and so I’m striking a blow for freedom. As it were.

You can take all the time you need.

Netflix is too damn slow.

I’m doing my part as an American to keep the sex toy economy thriving.

When out in the woods, alone and in tune with nature, it’s a magical thing to spooge all over the environment and truly become one.

Because the son of a bitch popped and went to sleep on you.

Because you really, really like escalators.

Gotta do something until bail arrives and you don’t have a harmonica.

Your next-door neighbor has been watching you through the window, and you think it’s time to take the relationship to the next level.

Keeping one hand under the table at all times is a valuable defensive pose, probably.

Helps improve your backhand.

Because you can’t reach with your mouth.

You paid for your dinner and the movie, so you’re probably required to.

Just won Best Actress.

You’re watching an adult movie, and there is an implied contract between you and the movie’s distributors.

To glorify God and His creations.

Don’t have to count days first.

Performance art.

Because it makes your web site membership spike every time you do it.

Flipping burgers only takes one hand, so?

Because no one else is good enough for you. YouI barely qualify.

The cast came off today.

It’s non-carcinogenic, non-fattening, and low in sodium.

Did you know you can take Barbie’s clothes right off?

Because you are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and you suspect that happiness just ducked into your pants.

Couldn’t think of anything else to use in your valedictorian speech. told you to.

Doesn’t require equipment (although there’s quite a large industry ready to supply you if you want some).

Downtime between spacewalks.

Did too many Hail Marys, have to even it out.

Tom Welling took off his shirt on Smallville last night.

Because this isn’t just a casual fling – you really love yourself.

It was integral to the plot.

You’ve got a lot of love to give.

Is it just me, or are mannequins getting hotter every year?

Needed new material for your “Best Of” DVD.

Helps keep me warm on cold nights.

It’s what the “pause” button was invented for.

Just got the Swamp Thing DVD with extended Adrienne Barbeau swamp bath scene.

It would be rude not to show your appreciation for the strippers, it’s like belching to compliment the chef.

Because if there’s one thing porn has taught us, it’s that women inexplicably go nuts when a potbellied guy jerks off on them.

You’ve heard that if you don’t use parts of your body they atrophy and drop off, and that’s scary.

It’s part of your low-impact aerobic full-body workout. 10 reps, pause, repeat as needed.

Bought one too many cucumbers for dinner, and wasting is a sin.

Because (drum roll) it’s there.

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