I used to think most porn was worthless just because it was boring or uninspired, like most of every other media, but there was always some good stuff buried under the crap. Now that the hottest-selling adult material seems to relish in being degrading and misogynist I find myself more anti-porn than not, and that’s depressing.

Recently I went hunting for an adult DVD for us to share, for the first time in awhile. We cuddled up, enjoyed our cake — if I woke my wife up in the middle of the night for just sex, she’d hit me; I bring chocolate cake — and settled in for some hot and heavy action.

And spent the next 20 minutes alternately laughing, fast-forwarding, or just goggling at it. Arousal was not an option.

When did porn become what anti-porn activists always said it was? I had to search high and low to find anything we might watch and the one I got (“Robinson Crusoe on Sin Island,” or something like that) had put some serious effort and money into sets, costuming, and cinematography that looked like a PBS mini-series. But when it got to the sex scenes they were just as insipid and insulting as any other movie.

My wife pointed out the underlying problem: the scenes are so obviously for the benefit of the viewer, and a pathetic viewer at that. Positions that allow extreme closeups, guys never ejaculating where you can’t see, guys always cool and in control while gals are unstoppably sex-starved, and so very few of the performers look as if they a) want to be there or b) want to be there with that particular partner.

Well, this viewer ain’t interested. I’d like to see scenes where the focus is how much fun the people involved are having.

I may be the wrong audience for porn, at least this century. More and more I find myself hovering around the “classics” section, afraid to venture out where “Butt-Pirates of the Carribean” awaits. But I’d be forever grateful if anyone out there can tell me which titles I should be looking for. I don’t even need a whole movie, gimme just a good scene and I’ll buy the thing.

Our needs are simple, I think.

– Normal looking people who at least look like they’re having fun.
– No one looking at the camera.
– No movies that describe the women as sluts, whores, or bitches, or use the words “molest,” “hole,” or “gang” on the cover.
– No anal, please. Nothing against the act itself, but it’s not aesthetically pleasing for either of us to watch. Not a big fan of the camera-between-the-legs shots anyway, or the closeups on lips and genitalia. I’d rather see the whole body and the lovers’ growing arousal.
– Woman-woman scenes that looks like the women involved might be enjoying it. You know, with kissing and maybe even some loving foreplay before they whip out the 20-inch double-headed dildo or try to go up to their elbows.
– Women who don’t feel obligated to stick their entire tongue out of their heads whenever they kiss or lick anything.
– If there must be anal, be discrete with it. And definitely do not go from anal to a facial or blowjob, which seems to be the new trend. Forget it, I’ll turn the thing off and go watch cartoons. I mean, eww.
– Women that aren’t shaved and made up to look underage.

– Guys that look like someone you might not run away from on a dark night. Or a sunny afternoon.
– Facials? Really? It’s not enough she’s willing to suck on you, you’ve got to add a bit of humiliation? I’ll accept a facial only if the guy kisses her right after. I think that’s fair.
– Sounds that weren’t dubbed or forced. Just record what gets said, or moaned. Don’t embellish, especially with cheesy dialogue.
– People grateful to get oral sex instead of standing there looking haughty and all conquerery. Maybe a guy who makes more of a noise than a reluctant “ung” would be good, too.
– Movies that don’t have the same sex acts, in the same order, in every single scene.
– And, hardest to find of all… playfulness! I have absolutely no interest in watching people fuck when I’m pretty sure I’d never want to hang around with any of them because they’re too fake, too insensitive, too shallow, or too scary.

Don’t fun people fuck? In front of a camera, I mean?