Well, we’ve all been there. It’s certainly understandable. There’s the naughtiness of it, the playfulness as you both conspire to see what’ll fit, the thrill of the forbidden. And some things around the house just beg to be turned into impromptu sexual aids – candles, wooden spoons, broom handles, garden hoses, Marge Simpson figures – so as long as you wash everything before and afterwards (and possibly during), everything’s cool. But there are many items that should never be introduced into your lover’s body, no matter how much of a good idea it seems at the time and no matter what you’ve been drinking. Just to head off potential injury, here’s a partial list to use as a guide. You may wish to print this out and post it prominently in your bedroom.

Things Not To Insert Into Your Lover’s Hoo-Ha

An avocado. They go in easy, sure, but getting them out is a lot more involved. Also pineapples. Oh, and porcupines.

A small, expanding umbrella.

Highway flares.

Lit highway flares.

A rolled-up copy of Action Comics #1. It depreciates the comic too much, and you lose the crispness of the binding.

A G.I. Joe figure, unless you’ve made absolutely sure his helmet is securely fastened in place, and his kung-fu grip hand is by his side.

Anything that involves liquid nitrogen.

Anything you might need to get back in a hurry, like your car keys, your asthma inhaler, or your DVD remote.

Peloponesian stinging nettles.

Tobasco sauce, unless it’s capped really, really well.

D batteries. It seems like a good idea to cut out the middleman and apply them directly, but avoid it at all costs. After a few months the acid starts leaking out.

Jello, because there’s no point.

Spools of thread. They always get stuck and you try to get them out and you can only grab the end of the thread and you pull and you pull and you get all this fucking thread but the spool stays in there and you feel like a magician producing scarves and she won’t stop laughing at you, the bitch. Then you have to respool the thread.

An electric razor.

A caulking gun, because I can tell you, once it’s in there the urge to squeeze that trigger is overpowering.

The collected works of Alexander Isayevich Solzhenitsyn.

Your entire foot, especially if you’re wearing any sorts of sports shoe.

Fix-A-Flat.

A garden hose that has one of those spinning watering things on it.

Barbecue utensils.

An old-fashioned bellows, because then we’re back to the irresistable temptation thing again.

Loose frozen peas.

Small furry animals. It’s so pass鮦lt;br />

Model rockets.

One of those Remington power hammers, the ones that use .22 loads to fire nails into concrete, because, well, damn.

Exacto knives.

Exacto blades.

A football.

Fluorescent light bulbs. Use some common sense, people. Wrap them in duct tape first.

Anything that oxidizes vigorously, like phosphorus.

Soft drink cans (it makes the coke all foamy).

Anything your dog is accustomed to fetching.

Evidence.

Anything too slippery to get ahold of again, like a mushy banana dipped in motor oil.

Pocket change.

Anything that the person on the receiving end hasn’t gotten a good look at beforehand. You might get away with it if it’s something you bought at a nice sex shop, but impolite if you just picked it up at AutoZone.

Your car registration and proof of insurance.

Chain saw blades.

Anything that hooks up to a 220v power source.

Italian food. Not really dangerous per se but, in that situation, aesthetically unpleasing like you wouldn’t believe.

Any painting or work of art that costs more than, say, two consecutive paychecks.

Expanding foam insulation.

An alarm clock with an active alarm, because it’s really fucking annoying when it goes off and you can’t do anything about it and you start throwing yourself down on things trying to hit the snooze button and the other people in the jury won’t stop staring at you.

Following these simple rules can help save millions of lives, or at least make the emergency room a much more boring place, and isn’t that really the goal of every respectable sex manual?

You’ve been together a long time, you and your genitals. Been through good times and bad, high times and low. The bond between you and your fuzzy parts is powerful since it represents the longest relationship you’ll ever have, and you know you’ll never leave each other no matter what happens, not without drastic elective surgery.

But even in the strongest relationships, sometimes things can slow down. You might find that over the years, without you noticing, your masturbation has become half-hearted and perfunctory. When you’re mentally replaying your favorite fantasy do you find yourself trying to mentally fast-forward? Do you find excuses not to masturbate? Have you ever masturbated and faked an orgasm, just to get it over with? Have you ever looked your genitals in the eye and said you just wanted to be friends? Is it all over?

Wait! It’s not too late! It’s important to realize that as a relationship matures, highly charged emotional and sexual feelings naturally give way to a calmer, more steady love. The magic is still there, but it’s a deeper magic. So you’ll have to dig a little harder to get to it (and that doesn’t mean to stroke harder, you’ll just give yourself a blister). Here are some handy tips.

First of all, let your genitals know that you treasure their company without sex. Spend some time together just hanging out. See a movie, or enjoy the park together (trench coats and skirts are a big help here).

Start each day with a little cuddle. Don’t get sexual, not then. Just a tender squeeze and a loving pat to reassure your genitals that you’re glad to see them. Touch is important to intimacy and even a light caress during long lines at Starbucks can bring a smile. Don’t be shy, nothing more wonderful to other people than to see someone in love.

Leave little notes in your underwear or treats that your genitals will appreciate, like furry panties or an extra dollop of hand lotion before you go out.

Tell your genitals you love them, and tell them often. Nothing reawakens a relationship more than simple and honest affection. Your coworkers may look at you funny when they hear you in the stalls or stand next to you at the urinals, but mature adults don’t let their friends dictate their love lives. After all, whom do you want to impress? Your friends, or your juicy bits? Find unusual times during the day to open your pants and whisper sweet nothings into your crotch, and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Set aside regular times to masturbate. Your genitals need to know they’re aren’t just being toyed with when nothing else is going on. Make time in your busy schedule, and don’t break a date. “Sorry Bill, I promised my pussy we’d get together tonight. Maybe tomorrow?”

Make your masturbation special. Don’t do the same old jerk-n-wipe, add some romance! Frame a favorite picture of you and your genitals and put it next to the bed. Enjoy a long bubble bath together, or go out and treat yourselves by masturbating at a fine restaurant.

Spontaneity is vital to a sexy relationship. Next time your genitals are least expecting it, like when you’re vacuuming or working on the car, just jam your hand down there and go at it.

Pamper them with new clothing, jewelry, or a day at the spa. Try new hairstyles together, or pierce something you’d never considered piercing before.

Introduce new elements into your masturbation to keep the spark alive. Try a new lotion, or lay the other direction on the bed. Buy some new magazines and movies. If you think your relationship is strong enough to handle it, try switching to the other hand (to quote Adam Corolla, “It’s like falling in love all over again.”). If you’re the adventurous type, introduce a second hand into your bed and get a threesome going.

Don’t keep your genitals separate from your other friends, there’s no surer way to ruin a relationship. Make a point of introducing them at parties and company functions, and make sure your genitals are an integral part of everything you do.

Most of all, communicate. Take care to listen to your genitals and stay aware of their needs and desires. What dream did they have in high school that they’ve never been able to follow? Make it happen, as far as privacy laws and restraining orders will allow.

Just take a few extra moments a day to pay attention to your genitals, and you’ll find that your genitals will pay more attention to you.

It’s all the rage these days. Celebrities like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Vince Neil have all seen their careers skyrocket after the public got a gander of their sexy shenanigans. Well, maybe not Vince Neil.

Within minutes of the word getting out, people all over the world were beating their computers with sticks to make them download faster, even if they didn’t like the nekkid celebrities. And this frenzied attention translated to increased public awareness, more job offers (some of them even legitimate) and good times for celebrity stalkers who no longer had to fantasize quite as hard.

But it’s not as easy as just throwing a tape in the camera and greasing up. For the maximum media penetration your porn debut must be carefully orchestrated so that a) you can get the publicity while still keeping your reputation safe, and b) everyone in the world gets to see your wobbly bits at least twice. You can only do this kind of thing once before it becomes your career, so do it carefully. Here’s some tips.

Wait until your career is on the skids.

This is vitally important since a badly-timed “stolen” video can ruin your life if you’re riding high. Not only because of the scandal, but because celebrities with successful careers don’t have time to have sex and any evidence to the contrary might suggest that you’re no longer A-list material. Seen any Tom Hanks porn around? See?

But when you’ve got nothing to lose a good sex tape can get you your own show, a movie deal, even a Grammy!

Pick an attractive partner.

Not too attractive (you don’t want to get upstaged) but someone that’s decent enough to look at. It’s the kiss of death to be seen sleeping with losers, it’s like getting caught showing up at the Oscars in a Chevette. Vince Neil filmed himself with porn stars, Pam had Tommy’s massive joint, and Paris was smart enough to keep the camera focused below Rick Solomon’s waist.

Use bad lighting.

Just in case the publicity turns ugly you should take care to leave a smidgeon of doubt that the naked person dripping with apple butter and strapped to the taffy puller is actually you, especially if your partner is underage, visibly using drugs, or a member of Congress. That kind of publicity you don’t need. The first night-vision release of Paris Hilton’s tape was perfect, she looked like a raccoon doing a Courtney Love impersonation.

Check out Rob Lowe’s tape for examples. You can barely tell there are humans involved, much less make out features. It could have been a Loch Ness sighting for all I could tell. And lawyers are going to have their work cut out for them trying to prove that R. Kelly’s ass is unique in all the world, like a fuzzy snowflake.

Choose awkward positions.

One of the best things about celebrity sex tapes is that they let people see that their sex symbols are human, too. Better looking humans, but still human. When we see celebrities in movies, on TV and on magazine covers they look larger, better, brighter than life, but in your tapes we can see you as just as human as the rest of us. Make this even more obvious by squatting, scooting around awkwardly, fumbling a lot, or falling off the bed halfway through. Not only will this endear you to your fans, it’ll make your later denial more believable. Like you’d let any director get your bad side like that? Please!

Be enthusiastic.

You might look human, but you don’t want to lose your sex symbol status, either. Fuck like you’re trying to move the bed outside with your hips alone, and suck like you lost your car keys in there.

Dump your partner afterwards.

Bad enough that everyone will know just what you did with this person, but from that point on every time you bump uglies with that person you’ll wonder if it’s just a sequel and the first one was better. Also, you may not want your partner around where they can be subpoenaed, at least not until they’re old enough to drive to court themselves.

Show it to friends.

How’s it going to get stolen if no one knows you have it? It also helps to leave it out for the movers marked “Sex Tape, Do Not Steal.” If you get desperate enough or if there’s an opening on “Ellen” coming up, just stick it in a video rental box and cram it into the overnight slot at the local Blockbusters. Self-promotion was never so easy!

Time the release to break before your new project, whatever it is.

Paris’ tape came out just when her new show “A Simple Life” was starting to advertise, and it went through the roof. Pamela Anderson’s new exposure helped her launch “V.I.P.” And would Rob Lowe have made it to “The West Wing” if the producers hadn’t seen him picking up cans on Ventura Blvd. for his community service hours?

Where Tonya Harding made her mistake was letting her honeymoon tape get out after her knee-whacking scandal. If she had released it beforehand, America might have let her slide and she would have been the one in the Disney parade while Nancy Kerrigan was banished to Celebrity Boxing.

Deny it outright.

At least initially. So what if everyone can tell it’s you? So what if, during the video, you faced the camera and said clearly, “This is me!” and displayed on-screen DNA testing? You still have to deny it or you’ll be labeled a slut. You need to build up the pity opinions and get people thinking “It’s a damn shame that poor little girl got her personal, private orgy tape exposed like that. What’s this world coming to?” instead of, say, “What a whore.”

Fire lawsuits left and right and accuse everyone of libel, even if you were the one that mailed the tape out. Especially if you were the one that mailed the tape out. Then after the news dies down you can tearfully admit it, just in time to hit the next news cycle.

Give six hundred exclusive interviews explaining why you just want to put it behind you.

After refusing to talk to anyone, have your publicist approach a few respected news outlets like Barbara Walters or Jon Stewart and say you’re ready to talk about it, just this once. Cry and be brave and admit that it was you, you were deeply in love, but now you’re stronger and more confident than ever before! Also you’re single now.

After you cry at Barbara it’s time to do the stolen movie promotion junket where you appear on every TV show with more than seven viewers, host “Saturday Night Live” to make fun of yourself, and do a layout in Maxim mimicking your video poses. Strike the right combination of pride and self-deprecation and you’ll be starring on FOX inside of two months.

Sell it to Russian websites.

Hey, might as well make some money off this thing.

Handled carefully, a stolen sex tape can make your career. And you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that a movie starring you is being watched every minute of every day, somewhere in the world, often in continuous loops.